Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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