i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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