I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
