I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
