I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
