she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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