omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
