I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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