Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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