I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
