So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
