I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
