Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
