WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
