she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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