I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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