I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
