I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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