I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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