I'm drive I can fine osifer
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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