During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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