I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
