I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
