True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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