the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
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I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
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Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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