Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
