What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
