Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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