You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
