I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
