Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
