I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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