I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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