I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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