i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
