i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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