How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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