I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
