That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
