Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
