If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
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I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
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I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
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