I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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