I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
