My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
