I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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