i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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