I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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