That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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