ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
