you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
