I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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