Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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