high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
