i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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