I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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