the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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