I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
