I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
